BDSM: from first date to surrender

BDSM is exciting, but keep your wits about you and make good agreements, especially during a first date. Always make sure that you have a trusted person on hand who knows where you are and who can intervene if necessary. Remember: you decide where your limits are. The other must be worthy of your surrender. A checklist that you complete together is a good way to avoid disappointments. Be open and honest about your expectations.

Safe, responsible and voluntary

BDSM is addictive and all those endorphins that are released make you want more and more. This also applies to pain, to get that same kick you need more and more pain. Then the boundaries blur and threaten to be crossed. It should be noted that pain does not necessarily have to be used and it should be seen as a means and not as an end in itself.

Safe, sane, consensual

In other words, safe, responsible and voluntary. Playing with your own and other people’s boundaries, but boundaries cannot be stretched indefinitely. But what is a limit too far? Everyone will give a different answer to that and the line between what is permissible and abuse is sometimes very vague. You must be able to trust that there is a Dominant/Mistress (the person who sets the game) who keeps an eye on the boundaries, ultimately he/she is responsible for the safety of the sub (submissive).

First date

But everything starts with a first appointment and what do you do then? Novice subs often don’t know how to behave during a first date. Actually, this does not have to be any different than any other appointment. See what you come up with without completing your list.


Collect as much information as possible about your gaming partner, including a name and telephone number, and pass this on to your backup (confidant). Also agree on a time when you will call and a code word that you will use if you do not trust it. It is of course useful that you also discuss with your backup what he/she should do if you do not call at the agreed time and do not forget to let us know where you have agreed.

Meet safely

Make your first appointment at a place where a lot of people come, such as a restaurant. Don’t be tempted to go to his house and certainly don’t let him come to your house. A walk in the park or forest sounds romantic but is not recommended at this stage. Don’t be picked up or taken home somewhere, because then the effect on the safety of other people is gone. Preferably don’t play on a first date either. And if your gaming partner-to-be doesn’t want any of that, you should be warned.

Make good agreements

It is even better to make clear agreements about what you both expect from a first appointment. Use your mind and don’t get carried away too much by your emotions. A Dom/Mrs. is only in charge when you want him to be and not the other way around. A first appointment is an introduction, it can click on the chat, but it must also click in real life. Even if you decide to continue together, it’s good to have a backup on hand for the first game. A reliable gaming partner will have no problems with this. Be on your guard so you won’t encounter any nasty surprises.

Source: Lightstargod, Pixabay

BDSM checklist

By talking a lot you find out what each other’s wishes and desires are. To help yourself and your playing partner, you could complete a checklist together that you can find on BDSM sites. You can indicate your preferences here (of course this also applies to the other person). You can think of bondage, role play, pain/no pain, sex/sexual acts or not and possibly also your preference for clothing (leather, lingerie, etc.). State what a soft limit is and also what a hard limit is. because during a game the sub will not always be able to formulate that her/his limit has been reached.

Be honest

It is also important to mention what you have experience with and what you like. In fact, it goes without saying that everyone completes the checklist as honestly as possible. Only then can you avoid disappointments.

Surrender is precious

Talk openly and honestly about your expectations, you ultimately decide whether you want to go through with it. Your surrender is precious and the other person must be worth it. A free choice, because as a human being you are not anyone’s property. “What you release and comes back to you is what you truly own.” (from: I want to control you by S. Sebastianus). As a sub, you actually hand over power, but within agreed limits. A relationship and also a D/s cannot be put in a box or contained in rules. What should not exist and the truth is what Dom and sub agree on together.

The most important rule is: listen to your head and your heart and don’t forget to enjoy!

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