Preferably a daughter

Preferably a daughter: something you are actually not allowed to say at all. Yet there are many women who secretly hope for a daughter during pregnancy. This is a common phenomenon. But what if it turns out to be a son? How do you deal with this disappointment, and do you go for a second one in the hope that this time it will be a daughter?

As long as it’s healthy

Most women don’t care. “As long as it is healthy,” is always said. Yet there are a lot of women who secretly hope for a girl during their pregnancy. They imagine going shopping with their daughter, exchanging make-up tips and gossiping about men. Or to buy dresses and make bows in your hair. In addition, many women are convinced that they would have a much better relationship with a daughter than with a son.

Yet it is still taboo to talk about it. Not for a man: he is often granted a son in advance. Playing football together and looking at fast cars. Isn’t that nice for a man? And the woman? She should be happy with what she has.

A second son

When the ultrasound of the first pregnancy shows that it is a boy after all, some women have to swallow. The secret hope of a daughter is immediately swept aside. Sometimes the woman does not immediately feel a connection with their newborn son after giving birth. This feeling can only come much later. Especially when it is decided to have a second child. Because this time it will be a girl. However?

The disappointment can be very great when it turns out that it is also a boy this time. Some women immediately hate their son. They are repulsed by the idea that they have to undergo a difficult birth for something they do not want. The unpleasant feeling can be much worse with a second pregnancy than with the first. After the birth of the second son, the woman may not want to know anything about her son. Everything happens on autopilot. Caring and feeding happens as it should, but giving a hug feels forced. Whether the real motherly feeling returns depends somewhat on the character of the mother. Can she finally come to terms with it or will it remain a problem?

Another child?

Anyone who really bets on a daughter is quickly tempted to have another child. However, in some cases the woman continues to have bad luck. There are cases of families consisting of seven or more sons. There will be no daughter. The question is whether this makes the children happy: they also feel that they are not so wanted. A child who does not receive love will also have difficulty giving love later. Taking on a child purely because they hope for a daughter is playing with fire.

Depression

Some women can fall into a true depression: immediately after giving birth, but also for some time afterwards. Not having a daughter can have quite an impact on the mother herself. She loathes her children or snaps at them a lot. This can go deeper and deeper, causing the children to suffer. At these times it is time to reach out for help. These feelings of disgust or anger can be suppressed with psychotherapy and/or medication. Medicines often dull the feelings. A disadvantage of this is that maternal feelings can also level off: when a child is hurt, the mother will sometimes not respond immediately. It is important to find a good middle ground here. And talk. Talking about it helps. Even though it is and remains a taboo.

It often helps to confide in a good friend or acquaintance. “I only have sons and I’m terribly disappointed about this.” Dare to say that. When this is expressed, it is often easier for oneself and others to recognize where the problem lies.

Dealing with your son

A band that started badly can recover. But this takes time. For some women it is never possible to restore that bond. A love-hate relationship will then arise between mother and son. This in itself does not have to be a major problem, as long as the son does not notice it. Scorning and swearing is not allowed: this seriously reduces the son’s self-confidence. After all, the child can’t help it: he didn’t choose to be born, let alone have a say in his gender. It is important to give the son the feeling that he can be there. The fact that mother doesn’t feel well every now and then has nothing to do with him. If the son senses that he is still wanted, despite mother’s worse days, he will experience less discomfort than if mother clearly shows him that he is unwanted.

Having sons also has its advantages: a son will always cherish his mother. Where girls go their own way around puberty and eventually have their own contacts, a son will secretly always cling to his mother. Even when he’s an adult. Boys up to the age of seven also have a special bond with their mother: they draw much more towards their mother out of a kind of infatuation, while girls draw much more towards their father.

No one ever said that boys don’t like shopping, but the truth is that boys are often left at home when shopping. There are plenty of guys who enjoy wandering around stores. However, they will generally be less enthusiastic about clothing or shoes, for example, or show their feelings less in this regard. Alternate shopping in clothing stores with visiting a hobby store for your son. This way, a day of shopping remains exciting for both of them.